All the pain you have lived through

All the pain you’ve lived through.

There are no words to express my regrets.

All the violence you endured.

All the bitterness you drank in the chaos of a forest blown by violent winds. 

All the loneliness you must have felt.

Your gentle, innocent life was empty of love.

I can’t bring myself to accept that your suffering was justifiable. I can’t take away what’s already done.

I can’t undo the deeds that spurt out of the black sand. Just as I couldn’t rescue you when you were afraid and shivering from fear,. 

I can’t imagine how your gentle little heart lived with the ugliness of a loveless heart that carried you and born you.

How much you might have resented the world.

How, within your beautiful, shining heart, stands the sword of torture? That remained with you until God came to your aid. Bringing your suffering to an end. 

An end traumatizing and unforgettable to my young, gentle little conscious. As I stood there watching your beautiful face, facing up to the skies as if you were waiting for the angels to lift you to eternity.

Your long, silky ginger hair scattered around your shoulders.

Your intestines were sitting on your abdomen intact. But like jelly. A scene that has remained with me and has become a part of me. A picture that has stuck with me all my life.

There’s nothing left of you down here but bitter memories of your brief life. They have become a strange comfort to my unfortunate weakness. 

To uplift my soul closer to you.

Through the memories of your suffering and pain, I find growing love for you. Love that I will forever cherish until the day I wrap my arms around you with this glorious love.

Sitting in the shower pan. Releasing painful tears from your memories.

As the water falls on me, mixing with painful tears. The agonizing heat of shame and unspeakable acts of violence you went through.

The whys and hows were washed down the drain gently as I watched. But it didn’t take away the memories of your suffering.

There are no answers. No cure and no explanations. Just a burden, heavy but sweet.

You’re the first star to rise in the dark night and the last to set at dawn.

You are a precious gift forever living within my broken soul. As it cries tears of love for you.

Your memories of fear and tears. Standing still in my head, like an artwork painted by an artist.

With passion for a beautiful little princess, I cried tears of hopelessness and despair.

I can’t help it but wonder. If there was a time, you wished you were never born.

I can’t help it but wonder if there was a time you wished the angels could come and lift you up to heaven.

The image of fear in your eyes piercing through the darkness of your world.

Sharp and unbearable pain burns through me as it penetrates through my heart.

A memory of suffering I gladly endured every time I see it in my head and feel it in my heart. 

I cry tears of helplessness and with a heavy heart burden with regrets. I wish I could have taken your place. Take the pain and suffering for you. I wish I could save your skin from the pain and suffering of all the beatings you had to endure at a gentle angelic age.

The pain is deep and sharp, but I’m grateful for it. It’s the pain of bonding.

The crooked picture of a child’s life of utter despair paves the way for my journey to raising daughters with love. To give them what you and I didn’t get.

But it has become a pain with a meaning. Pain with a purpose. A pain with the power to lead me to some place better and to feel your pain as I use it to create a new pattern.

To delicately design a new woman who values daughters. Who loved and cherished the girls given to me as a gift? They are a bundle of treasure that will one day carry the fire of your burning eyes. As the torch to burn down bricks and iron walls, locking many girls like you within.

I feel you through this pain. I enjoy tasting a little taste of your pain.

The salt of my tears tasted like golden honey on my lips as they ran down my cheeks.

It’s bitterness at times makes the world feel small, as if I am close to you and standing right in front of your face full of grace.

I’ll take your place; be the one to take your pain.

But it’s not enough. It’s not comparable to what you went through.

Your beautiful little smile was rare. A little expression of a cry for help that went unanswered.

I remember your tiny little round face when you smile and disappear like a blink of an eye.

I dream of the day when I will hold you. I dream of the day when I will give you all the love your mother didn’t give you.

The day when I will be the mother you never had.

It will be a day of endless joy and endless happiness. A day when our cutting pain will finally be healed forever. 

I will be the mother you missed out on, but with compassion and piercing love that will shine through you.

You will forever be with me, as long as I’m breathing the breeze of your suffering.

You will be forever living within me as I feel the piercing stings of your unhappiness.

And I will be forever in peace with you when I see you again.

Love will forever glow on this earth for you. Your memories will forever be with me. The candle of your presence that went unnoticed except for reasons beyond our understanding. Has been burning inside me since you left me behind. And it will continue to burn until I see you again. 

You are unforgettable. Loved and missed tremendously. Your pain is my pain. My love for you is unconditional. 

I will forever be indebted to you for the beautiful inspirations of love you have planted deeply within my soul.

I blow you kisses of love in my prayers for you to catch and hold on to, until I lift you up with a wide smile and tears of joy when I see you again.

You will be remembered for as long as I live as the princess of the darkness of hearts, that shone like a bright candle in the rain.