When I get the blues

A box of chocolate-coated Magnum ice cream is a delight. I sit in the dark until sunrise. Nothing can put a smile on my face tonight, not even a rose from the valleys of knights.

Forget about the next release of Netflix shows. When I feel blue, everything good turns blue. I’m reckless when I get the blues. The energy of anger and frustration from my childhood gushes out of my head.

I’m helpless against the past I didn’t create. There’s nowhere to hide. I’m not invisible to the darkness of the past. I’m out of tools to release the pressure with ease.

I feel the walls closing in on me. The world is sinking under my feet. My mind screams in rage, in fear, and in helplessness. My cries for the chains to be cut free – inaudible. 

If only I could fly, freeing my mind and hoping to return alive. It’s the harsh reality of a life as fragile as mine.

 Should I walk out the door into the shadows of death lurking outside? Poor Mrs. White; someone murdered her in her bed last night. I have the blues. I’m not afraid to go for a long walk with the murderer in the middle of the night. 

These are times when I fear no danger in the mist of darkness of the night.

Yesterday, I was alright. Today, I was shinning through the dark, cold winter morning. Tonight, I’m fearful of the light. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be just fine.

I’m down on my luck. My mind races at a million miles per hour. By the time it stopped, I had seen enough of the past. I’ve woken up from a long ride with the ugly past that had been bothering me internally. 

I’m afraid of the blues. The force is too overwhelming for my fragile soul to resist. I bury the memories of the past, adding more pain to the burden on my shoulders. I never know what I’m doing to myself in the dark.

It makes me angry, then it makes me cry, then it makes me smile, and then it makes me want to die. I’m under its thumb, like a child in a naughty corner, being punished for doing something I enjoy.

It reminds me of my mother. When she’s angry with the lady next door, she takes it out on me and pushes me onto the hard floor. It reminds me of the time when my uncle slapped me across the face because he called me twice and I didn’t reply. And when my maternal grandfather whipped me with his cowhide belt because I wanted to go out with my cousin to play,.

I indulge in sweets to counteract the bitterness. I cry rivers of tears, tasting the bitterness as they stream down my cheeks. As I wished, I had never existed. I questioned myself: Why was I born? What did I do to deserve all this? Where would I be if my life were full of bliss?

I’m tired and exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep. I’m down on my knees, praying for relief.

God, have mercy on me and grant me the strength to overcome the challenges I’m facing.

I await the sun to rise and deliver me good news. I await the breeze to blow me away as far as it can take me. Away to somewhere, where my mind can sleep forever to kill the memories weighing me to the ground.